Laura had her first psychological crisis when she was 17 and has spent the years since looking for habits and practices that she can call on to keep her grounded in consensus reality–but not too grounded. She finds her creativity and sense of aliveness is at it’s best when she is just entering a non-ordinary state. Her task is to learn how to keep from going ‘too far’. We chose to highlight Laura’s story because of her unique ability to articulate her experiences and her unwavering dedication to the task of finding her balance.
The Tightrope Walker
Episodic mania is excruciatingly hard work. And despite being unemployed, apparently, I have a new job: Tightrope Walker. I constantly walk a thin, blurry line between concrete reality and fantasy which, for me, feels a lot like a tangible version of Heaven-On-Earth. This sounds like fun, but in practice, is a living hell to manage. Bipolar folk are fine-tuned, perceptive, extremely sensitive spirits. Particularly for Bipolar 1 folks, any shift in our internal or external eco-system can trigger an impending episode of either hypo-mania, subtle fantasy-world, or mania, where it feels like you are operating from dream time and your wings are melting.
In the case of sleep, if I lose any, I am playing with fire. Sleep is the lock and key that keeps me from slipping into non-ordinary reality. I simply do not have the luxury of losing sleep and being able bounce back. To those of you who do, cherish your resiliency. More often than not, a full moon severely impacts my quality of sleep. It usually begins as a mild sleep disturbance the week prior. For some reason, I will wake up to relieve my bladder in the middle of the night, then I will toss and turn and fight to fall sleep for an hour or so. Several nights of this sleep disturbance usually develops into several nights of 3-4 hours of shattered sleep. And then, voila!!! I mean, bam!!! As the moon grows bigger, the potential for an impending crisis grows bigger too.
Fortunately, I am starting to build a strong support team of angels- Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Acupuncturist, Naturopathic Doctor. And then there’s my dream team of unconditionally loving and devoted friends. Anti-psychotics are my last resort. But, my MEDICINE is first and foremost sleep. Treating my mania involves bringing me back down to earth with rich, heavy foods, healthy fats, hot Epsom salt-lavender baths (sometimes two in a night if need be), and solitude. My medicines overall involve an anti-inflammatory diet, supplements that nourish brain and gut health, exercise, long forest walks, earthing, dancing, mindfulness through photography, and making jewelry. The most powerful medicines, meditation and yoga, I have yet to cultivate, but someday.
Without my dream team, without the generous financial support of my unconditionally loving parents, without the time and freedom to learn my medicines, I would undoubtedly be a babbling homeless person underneath the freeway. At this point in my journey, I am blessed with the luxury of being unemployed right now. There is no way I would be able to juggle diligent self-care on top of the added stress of a job without hospitalization.
That said, this tightrope walker still stumbles through the bipolar flames of hell, time and time again. One day, I may synthesize all my resources, strike that fine balance, and share my findings with the world. Hopefully, we can all support the art of the tight rope walker and even master it ourselves. The sights are “out-of-this-world” from up here!
NEXT Reaction from friends and family–what helped & what didn’t
